I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
