I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Randomize
