we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
