i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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