One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I got inside last night via doggy door
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
