My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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