My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
