saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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