Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
