I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
