You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
