my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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