so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
