I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
