I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize