On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
