that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
