My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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