I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
