I only kidnapped one of them. chill
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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