I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
