I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
