Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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