don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
why does every cop we meet know your name?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
