So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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