Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
