I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just want nice things and good sex
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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