I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
