he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
