I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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