im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
