hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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