Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize