Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
