im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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