i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
