if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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