My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i think my tv is drunk
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
