i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
