there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
