So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
