I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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