8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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