Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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