Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
