i permit you to call me
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
