Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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