we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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