Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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