DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
