Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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