i would punch a child for taco bell
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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