Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
