When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's not a walk of shame if you run
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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