i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
