Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
