I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
