Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
