Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
